Evergreen topics: being good company
Lesson 14 of 16 in the course “Speak with Confidence”. Free, with animations and a quiz.
Talking about yourself feels good
In 2012 Harvard neuroscientists Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell showed that when people talk about themselves, the brain’s reward system becomes more active, the same system that responds to good food. In their experiments people even gave up small sums of money to talk about themselves a little more. Hence the main secret of being good company: let the other person talk.
The follow-up question
In a 2017 study by Karen Huang and colleagues at Harvard, people who asked more questions were liked more by the people they talked to. Follow-up questions worked especially well: they latch onto what the other person just said. A friend says, “Just got back from a trip.” Switch: “Oh, next week I’m going to…” Follow-up: “What surprised you most there?” The second shows you’re actually listening.
FORD: topics for any occasion
When you don’t know what to talk about, remember FORD: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. People close to them, work or studies, free time and hobbies, dreams and plans. These are topics where everyone has something to say, and hardly anyone feels tested. Start light, like free time, and move to dreams once the conversation has warmed up.
Evergreen topics and minefields
Food, travel, “first times”, what changed your mind: almost safe topics in any country. Politics, religion, salary and looks are a minefield with people you barely know, and the lines vary a lot between cultures. It’s not a ban, it’s an order: trust first, sharp topics later. Good company isn’t the person who knows the most, but the one who finds a topic where both of you have something to say.
A story bank
Good storytellers don’t invent on the fly; they have a stock. Prepare five short stories on evergreen themes: a first day somewhere, a trip where things went wrong, the moment you changed your mind, your most awkward moment, and how you pulled off something hard. Tell each one out loud a couple of times using the spine from earlier lessons. Then “tell me about yourself” gets a story, not a pause.
Check yourself
- A friend says: “I just passed my driving test.” Which reply is a follow-up question?
Correct answer: “First try? What was the hardest part?”. A follow-up latches onto what the person just said and lets them tell more. - What did Tamir and Mitchell show in 2012?
Correct answer: Talking about yourself activates the brain’s reward system. Talking about yourself is rewarding at the brain level, so someone who lets you talk seems interesting. - You meet someone at a conference. Which topic is best to start with?
Correct answer: What brought them there and what they’ve liked. Work, interests and impressions are light topics where everyone has something to say. Sharp topics come later, and not with everyone.